Updated 04/11/2003 23:02
Cheese, Glorious Cheese
Our British Scout cousins for many years had a "Scouting
Interactive" website that was authored by Scouts for Scouts. As
you can image, they've got some pretty clever young folks on the other side
of the pond, and I used to regularly roll on the deck with laughter while
reading their latest creations. Unfortunately, when I tried to put up
links today to some of those gems I remembered from years past, I got the
dreaded "URL Not Found" message. Possibly the heavy hand of
adult censorship finally caught up with with these fine young folks.
Or maybe it was just a case of another dreaded event: website
reorganization. Either way, I am diligently searching for where ever
these gems of British youth Scout humor now reside. When and as I find
them, I'll let you know. In the meantime, I was lucky enough to have
saved one example of this temporarily unavailable product of the best minds
of British youth - Programmes on a Pallet - ideas for those Scout leaders
who lack the imagination to come up with programme ideas on their
As best I can recollect, this exemplar of the breed was written by Phil
Alderton, a Sea Scout from the 18th Truro (St George’s) Venture Scout Unit
in Cornwall, England.
From Phil's bio sketch, I copied the following:
Phil Alderton ( email@example.com
<mailto:firstname.lastname@example.org> ) was an SPL for the
18th Truro (St George’s) Scout Troop, and now is starting a new life as
a Venture Scout in the 18th Truro (St George’s) Venture Scout Unit. Contrary
to popular belief, he is nothing like Dr. Niles Crane from the sitcom “Frasier”.
Why me? Why do I always get the yucky rum flavoured Quality Street?
Why does my Web Browser always cut out halfway trough downloading Quake?
And why does fate, normally in the form of the Boy Scouts, always seem to
have it in for me?
The problem was the choice of colours for the T-shirts. Or rather,
lack of choice. Scouts? Dark Green. Guides? Royal Blue. One thing my group
is not especially known for is following the herd. So, after hearing that
our specially printed Kernow ‘97 T-shirts would only come in Land Scout
Green (hint-never call them Land Scouts -- it really irritates them. I
found out the hard way) or Guide Blue, we were naturally fuming. After
all, we’re a Sea Scout Troop. So why must we be lumbered with the
horrible green colour, or risk further embarrassment by wearing ones that
were meant for Guides? Our youthful quibbling paid off, and the organisers
rolled off a set of navy blue T-shirts for us. I didn’t really think
that there was a hierarchy of status involved with them until I was asked
by a Guide, “What are navy ones, then?”. She obviously thought that I
was important as I wasn’t wearing green. Jamborees are like that though,
I guess. She found out about a sub-section of the Scout Association, and I
found something to whitter on about.
So now, ................(drum roll)......... PROGRAMMES ON A PALLET
(thunderous and sustained applause)
for you to cut out and lose.
month's Programme Theme is that time honoured Classic
collage - Have you
noticed the wide variety of colours of cheese available at the
cheese counter of your local store?|
From the subtle yellow hue of the
humble Irish Cheddar to the Vibrant russet tones of the Red
Leicester. Exploit this by making pictures out of sliced cheese.
Be sure to use safety scissors for cutting and stick them down
with strong PVA glue. The finished product could be hung on the
colony notice board, so long as your HQ is not too warm.
the mould - After last
week's activity you should have some quite interesting mould
growths on your cheese collages. |
Take a moment at the start of the
colony meeting to explore the shapes of the mould growths and ask
the beavers to identify things in real life that are similar
note for leaders
Some Scouts do not like cheese.
Have some alternatives available like toothpaste or lard for those
members who don't like cheese or cheese products. Also be sensitive to
the needs of non meat-eaters by having vegetarian cheese available.
Further advice on 'Cheese Handling' is
available in fact sheet FS/AOCH2 from HQ.
Ten Cheesy Facts
kilos of milk are required to make one kilo of cheese.
is made by curdling the milk
cheese, which is made from skimmed milk, has a fat content of 40%
in the dry matter.
process of cheesemaking is an ancient craft that dates back
thousands of years
the middle of the 19th century, cheesemakers on croft and farm
simply held over a portion of soured milk or whey in a small jug
or churn and used it the following day to make cheese.
is cheese spelled backwards
Cheese smells like babies sick
is the only food you don't throw away when it's mouldy.
are many fascinating 'cheese-related' web sites.
milk from cows, goats, sheep and even buffaloes is used to make
Monty Python's Cheese Shop Sketch To illustrate a section from the
(a Scout walks in
OWNER: Good morning, Sir. Welcome to
the National Cheese Emporium!
SCOUT: Ah, thank you, my good man.
OWNER: What can I do for you, Sir?
SCOUT: Well, I was, uh, sitting in the
public library on Thurmon Street just now, skimming through
"Scouting For Boys" by Robert Stephenson Smythe
Baden-Powell, and I suddenly came over all peckish.
OWNER: Peckish, sir?
SCOUT: 'Ee, Ah wor 'ungry-loike!
OWNER: Ah, hungry!
SCOUT: In a nutshell. And I thought to
myself, "a little fermented curd will do the trick," so, I
curtailed my Scouting activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your
place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy
OWNER: Come again?
SCOUT: I want to buy some cheese.
OWNER: Oh, I thought you were
complaining about the bazouki player!
SCOUT: Oh, heaven forbid: I am one who
delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse!
SCOUT: 'Ooo, Ah lahk a nice tuune, 'yer
OWNER: So he can go on playing, can
SCOUT: Most certainly! Now then, some
cheese please, my good man.
OWNER: (lustily) Certainly, sir. What
would you like?
SCOUT: Well, eh, how about a little
OWNER: I'm, a-fraid we're fresh out of
red Leicester, sir.
SCOUT: Oh, never mind, how are you on
OWNER: I'm afraid we never have that
at the end of the week, sir, we get it fresh on Monday.
SCOUT: Tish tish. No matter. Well,
stout yeoman, four ounces of Caerphilly, if you please.
OWNER: Ah! It's beeeen on order, sir,
for two weeks. Was expecting it this morning.
SCOUT: 'T's Not my lucky day, is it?
Aah, Bel Paese?
OWNER: Sorry, sir.
SCOUT: Red Windsor?
OWNER: Normally, sir, yes. Today the
van broke down.
SCOUT: Ah. Stilton?
SCOUT: Ementhal? Gruyere?
SCOUT: Any Norweigan Jarlsburg, per
SCOUT: White Stilton?
SCOUT: Danish Brew?
SCOUT: Double Goucester?
SCOUT: Dorset Bluveny?
SCOUT: Brie, Roquefort, Pol le Veq,
Port Salut, Savoy Aire, Saint Paulin, Carrier de lest, Bres Bleu,
SCOUT: Camembert, perhaps?
OWNER: Ah! We have Camembert, yessir.
SCOUT: (suprised) You do! Excellent.
OWNER: Yessir. It's..ah,.....it's a
SCOUT: Oh, I like it runny.
OWNER: Well,.. It's very runny,
SCOUT: No matter. Fetch hither the
fromage de la Belle France! Mmmwah!
OWNER: I...think it's a bit runnier
than you'll like it, sir.
SCOUT: I don't care how blinking runny
it is. Hand it over with all speed.
SCOUT: What now?
OWNER: The cat's eaten it.
SCOUT: Has he.
OWNER: She, sir.
SCOUT: Case Ness?
SCOUT: Smoked Austrian?
SCOUT: Japanese Sage Darby?
OWNER: No, sir.
SCOUT: You...do *have* some cheese,
OWNER: (brightly) Of course, sir. It's
a cheese shop, sir. We've got--
SCOUT: No no... don't tell me. I'm
keen to guess.
OWNER: Fair enough.
SCOUT: Uuuuuh, Wensleydale.
SCOUT: Ah, well, I'll have some of
OWNER: Oh! I thought you were talking
to me, sir. Mister Wensleydale, that's my name.
OWNER: Uh, not as such.
SCOUT: Uuh, Gorgonzola?
SCOUT: Paper Cramer,
SCOUT: Danish Bimbo,
SCOUT: Czech sheep's milk,
SCOUT: Venezuelan Beaver Cheese?
OWNER: Not *today*, sir, no.
SCOUT: Aah, how about Cheddar?
OWNER: Well, we don't get much call
for it around here, sir.
SCOUT: Not much ca--It's the single
most popular cheese in the world!
OWNER: Not 'round here, sir.
SCOUT: and what IS the most popular
cheese 'round hyah?
OWNER: 'Illchester, sir.
SCOUT: IS it.
OWNER: Oh, yes, it's staggeringly
popular in this manusquire.
SCOUT: Is it.
OWNER: It's our number one best
SCOUT: I see. Uuh...'Illchester, eh?
OWNER: Right, sir.
SCOUT: All right. Okay.
'Have you got any?' he asked,
expecting the answer 'no'.
OWNER: I'll have a look, sir...
SCOUT: It's not much of a cheese shop,
OWNER: Finest in the district!
SCOUT: (annoyed) Explain the logic
underlying that conclusion, please.
OWNER: Well, it's so clean, sir!
SCOUT: It's certainly uncontaminated
OWNER: (brightly) You haven't asked me
about Limburger, sir.
SCOUT: Would it be worth it?
OWNER: Could be....
SCOUT: Have you --SHUT THAT BLINKING
OWNER: Told you sir....
SCOUT: (slowly) Have you got any
SCOUT: Figures. Predictable, really I
suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question
in the first place. Tell me:
SCOUT: (deliberately) Have you in fact
got any cheese here at all.
OWNER: No. Not really, sir.
SCOUT: You haven't.
OWNER: Nosir. Not a scrap. I was
deliberately wasting your time,sir.
SCOUT: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going
to have to shoot you.
OWNER: Right-0, sir.
The Scout takes out a gun and shoots
SCOUT: What a *senseless* waste of
human life. If
only he'd made good use of his time and had been careful with his
possessions and property he'd have had some cheese to sell me.
Producers of SI accept no responsiblity for any damage to monitors
resulting in your stupid attempt to cut out this article.
Any similarity to any other publication
currently in print is purely 'accidental'
So what did I tell you - do British Sea Scouts have a
sense of humor or what? I must admit that our British Sea Scout
cousins really do have us beat when it comes to humour. Just look at
how they spell it, for starters.
Here are some of the other side-splitter links I saved
over the years. Unfortunately, the links are currently dead. If
I can find a way to resurrect them, or update them, you'll know I've
succeeded because of the loud guffaws you'll hear coming through your
computer speakers. In the meantime, "A Toast to Absent
11 April 2003 2024 - STOP
PRESS! THIS JUST IN! The
Sea Scout Roving Reporter just happed by my desk on the way to do
another piece of investigative journalism.
He said that if you really want to split a gut, you should go to
the just-located long-lost issues of Scouting Interactive, a webzine by
British Scouts for Scouts everywhere.
These fabulous back issues were thought to be lost forever to the
world, ranking right up there with the destruction of the Colossus of
Rhodes as a tragedy of epic proportions, but miracle of miracles, the
Russians of all people had the good sense (read that as sense of humor /
humour) to save back up copies at http://www.scouts.ru/mirrors/scoutbase/si/
are currently underway to recover these lost treasures under the National
Treasures Recovery Act, but since our British cousins couldn’t get
Winnie-ther-Pooh back from a greedy New York publisher, prospects are iffy
at best. If all else fails, a
Cyber-Swat Team made up of overly-bright and under-challenged Oxford
students plan to infiltrate the murky world of Russian cyberspace and
sneak the issues back disguised as Rover Scouts on holiday.
Should be interesting.
sorry. I forgot you were
practicing your Scout-stealth maneuvers. In any event, the once-dead
links below have miraculously come to life again, thanks to our
"brave Russian allies."
British Scout Humor
Courtesy of Scouting
Interactive, the Internet Magazine by Scouts for Scouts.
on a Pallet - ideas for your next Scout night
presents for your Scout Leader - hint! hint!
Camp Gadgets - real and imaginary
Fake Wounds - how to get your Scout Leader really going!
to Cook Popcorn the Hard (and Slightly Dangerous Way) - need we say
Night rockets - barely legal
Air Balloons - up, up, and away!
Recognition Software - dead cool or just a bit of rubbish?
Read this Page - seriously :-)
Not to Produce Awful Scout Web Pages - Skipper Kain: read and heed!
Sea Scout Phil's Week
at a Jamboree
Sea Scout Phil takes up the Chief
Sea Scouts from the 1st and 3rd Washington have a go at Seeing
Sea Scout Phil hitches
a ride with Pfadis - Pop quiz on BritSpeak: Pfadis
are a) truck drivers, b) locomotive engineers, c) German Scouts, or d) I
haven't a clue! Check your answer by reading the article, you silly
goose. Why do you think I put the link here in the first place?
Take the quiz:
What Kind of Leader do You Have? (still a lost item)
Sides split since 9 April 2003
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